Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Real Life Implications of "Crying on a Suitcase"

Since we bought a Karaoke Machine for Christmas a few years ago, I have paid more attention to the lyrics of songs. Yes, half of those songs my parents told me had bad lyrics really do have bad lyrics. Of course, then you put on their music and find out that theirs was just as bad. Recently one of the favorite tunes on the radio that I have heard is Casey James "Crying on a Suitcase". It is the old cliche guy does something stupid, girl leaves, guy realizes he did something stupid, guy then goes to great lengths to win the girl back. Countless movies, stories, and songs have stuck with this tried and true meme. However, today I really listened to the lyrics and realized A) this guy is a psychopath, B) he probably hasn't seen what society is like since the year 2001, and C) there are a number of ways he will end up in jail before he even gets to the girl. So let me break it down for you:

"Boy don't wait, don't think, don't lock the door behind you" - The song begins with an invitation for anyone who is casing out his house to come on in. Seriously, unless you live far out in the country you should lock your door when you leave.

"Run and jump into your truck, and hit the gas, burn some rubber up" - Based on the urgency, I am going to guess that traveling within a reasonable facsimile of the speed limit is not in the cards. Depending on where he is burning the rubber up, he could be passing through a school zone, passing a stopped school bus, not yielding the right of way to an emergency vehicle, traveling excessively in a construction zone, etc. Some of these are only a light fine. But being pulled over is going to delay his getting his girl by at least 20-30 minutes. Unless he chooses not to pull over and decides to run from the cops. This has got to be at least a misdemeanor if not a felony in every jurisdiction. Jail time #1.

"Take a shortcut, take a back road, take the shoulder to the exit" - Shortcuts and back roads are not necessarily bad. Unless that shortcut takes you across the median against traffic. Reckless driving, its enough to get a ticket if not a suspended license. Using the shoulder for the exit is forgivable if your close to the exit, my guess since he isn't talking about a traffic jam is that he just is trying to shave the last few seconds off. Not good. Besides, broken down cars and emergency vehicles use the shoulder so now, the guy is risking an accident just to see the girl. Pulled over once again or running from the cops. Jail time #2.

"Skip the parking, screw the ticket, hit the curb and leave it sitting" - I usually skip the parking and wait in my car at the loading zone, but he is talking about screwing the ticket to, so obviously he is looking for a no parking zone, handicapped, or some other place he shouldn't be putting his car. This may work for a few minutes, but he is definitely going to get a parking ticket, if not being towed. It is not impressive to your newly won girlfriend to walk her out of the airport and hail a taxi to go to Bubba's Towing and Wrecking because you were irresponsible. If there is a cop on hand (which at many airports there are) he may stop the guy before he has a chance to screw the ticket and then the guy is left with waiting 20-30 minutes to get to his girl or running from the cops. Jail time #3.

"Whatever it takes You gotta get to that gate" - What is this guys definition of whatever. Surely he must have an idea of where he is going. Without that, the search is going to be futile unless you are at a single concourse airport. Can you even imagine showing up to Atlanta Hartsfield without knowing where your girl is going? Let's say you do know where she is going, does that mean you know where her connecting flight flies through? And do you know what airline. The two of you left on a bad note, so she probably didn't relay her travel plans (unless this is a romantic comedy and its necessary for the plot). Since 2001, they don't let just anyone through security, particularly disheveled 20ish men running through the airport after leaving their running car on the curb. So, I am assuming that Casey's theoretical guy is going to skip the security lines and make a beeline for the concourse exit. There is only one TSA agent here, so it should be easy to run past. Of course, I think purposely doing this is a crime that will land him in jail. Jail time #4.

So, by the end of the first verse, our guy has miraculously found his girl crying on her suitcase (which if it is large enough to be used as a seat, probably should have been checked baggage, but the airlines don't seem to care much about this). If he is lucky (and swift footed) he will have about 5 seconds to express his undying love and apology before he is tackled by personnel from 3 or 4 different law enforcement agencies. This will be followed by questioning by the FBI, TSA, County Sheriff, Airport Police, and State Troopers. No one will believe his story and probably through him in the slammer to sober up (whether he was drinking or not - no sensible person in their right mind does what he just did).

And his girl, seeing this situation, she'll realize she made the right decision, wipe away the tears and start up a conversation with a junior stock broker on the flight back to Kalamazoo. The conversation will lead to a blossoming relationship and they'll live happily (and boringly) ever after.

I know, my story can't really be expressed in song and Casey James is inadvertently advocating breaking the law, but I still like it. Besides, I like Taylor Swift too, and all she sings about are her boyfriend breakups and get togethers.

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