Saturday, January 30, 2010

A Very Irreverant View of Miss America

Folks, tonight is the night 3 million people in America have been waiting for. (Everyone else is anticipating the Superbowl next week). Tonight is the Miss America Pageant, and against my better judgement I have decided to watch it with my wife and blog the experience live. I know, this is sort of odd since the vast majority of things I talk about on this blog involve guns, politics, capitalism, and explosions. But I thought I would be original. Anyone can blog the State of the Union, but it takes someone with intestinal fortitude (and a huge bottle of Scotch) to blog the Miss America Pageant. Before it begins let me go over a few things. My wife was (is?) a pageant girl. In other words, in her younger days, she competed in pageants (and even won a few).

Since I have known her, I have been to two pageants in my whole life, and I will be perfectly happy if I never go to another one again. The first was a 4 hour borefest that could have been shortened down to 1 hour and still been boring. It was times like that, that I wished I drank just to kill the memories. The second was the finals night for Miss Texas America Pageant. I honestly don't remember anything about this night other than we were suppose to stand up when the reigning Miss Texas entered. Didn't make sense to me but OK.

Now, I do have a confession to make. I have seen portions of a dozen or more pageants on TV. My interest usually wanes about 30 seconds after the swimsuit competition is over with. The Miss America program does have a talent competition that I keep hoping they will show some good talents (usually the good talents have been eliminated by the finals). When I say good talent, I mean something other than singing, dancing, or playing an instrument. My wife has told me of people that did flaming baton twirling or chainsaw sculpture. Why can't those be on when I am watching.

Unfortunately, the talent portion of Miss America suffers from the fact that it has to be done in 2 minutes on a stage. So things like putting 10 shots inside a quarter at 200 yards could be accomplished in 2 minutes, it couldn't be done on stage. I did have a friend whose daughter competed in the pageants for a while but got discouraged because what she really wanted to show for talent (ice skating) was not practical. What would be cool to see is someone try for a Guinness World Record like breaking boards, or stacking cards, or even eating hot dogs. Now that would be AWESOME! Watch some 110 lb pageant girl in shorts and a tank top down 15 hot dogs in 2 minutes. The thing about it is, if she sets a world record, how could you justify not awarding her the talent trophy? A few years of this and we would have half a dozen girls attempting various world records in each competition. This could revive the Miss America Pageant.

Truth of the matter is, pageants aren't near as popular as they were 20 years ago. Frankly reality TV has sort of destroyed the cute girls competing aspect of pageants. A few years ago, Miss America flirted with a reality TV program. Watched an episode of it, it sucked. Mainly because they didn't get to kick anyone off.

So tune in at 8pm eastern, 7pm central, 6pm mountain, and 5pm pacific and read while I make a total fool of myself and provide a blow by blow, no holds bar commentary that is sure to get me a smack or two from my wife (and maybe even a death threat from one of the contestants!).

T-0:30 TLC has something going on with Miss America where you can vote for something (as if that is going to make a difference.

T+0:00 There is Miss America on top of some building. What would be really cool is if she did some base jumping.

T+1:00 Mario Lopez is hosting (from saved by the Bell). My wife says they have more moves than Camp ROck. It does look sort of disorganized, but then again, not all of them are dancers. Short black dresses for the opening number, lots of hip shaking. Miss America has gotten a lot more risque in the last decade (sex sells and when your ratings stink you might as well turn the girl next door into a .....)

T+3:00 Now to meet them, I like: AK, KS, LA, MS, NV, NY, OK (but I am from there so I do have a bias), PR (by far the prettiest among all off them), VT, WI. Looking back I think they are all brunettes.
They must have been required to wear huge earings. DC is a white girl (not that it matters but that is rather odd for DC). Iowa wasn't impressive for her intro. Maryland used "nude" in her intro.

T+10:00 Intros took a long time. And now we have the "everyone's a winner" trash. Oh no! Amway is sponsoring it. Does this mean that we have to show the pageant to 3 of our friends? And we go to commercial. No I haven't cut myself yet.

T+12:00 My wife informed me that you can vote for the 15th contestant, they did it last year or the year before and Miss Utah (from the Utah National Guard) got in the top 15. She was the first one eliminated so if you do want to waste your vote be my guest.

T+13:00 Commercials always tell you what the audience is. Here we have Paint, Olay, and some TLC commercials which basically means that no one else wanted to advertise on Miss America.

T+14:00 Back to Mario. Looks like black bikinis from the preview. I can't wait. And for the finalists:
OK (America's choice, she is blond, unfortunately, she will be eliminated now).
AR (completely honest, she is in this for the money).
KY (do something big, and Miss America is it?)

OK now for the judges: Shawn Johnson (from Iowa) - she looks like she could be in this pageant. Vivica Fox - positive impression, who doesn't want that. Rush Limbaugh - poise, confidence, articulation, must like herself. Katie Harman - 4 S's. Dave Koz - capture my BARF! Brooke White - American Idol finalist (not winner).

T+19:00 OOOOH the girls get to choose a semifinalist and they don't even know it. And we go to commercial. We are 20 minutes in to this thing and we only know who 3 of the finalists are. This could be a long night.

T+20:00 Commercials: Sonic, Cadillac. I'm rather shocked. I would have expected more beauty products. They must think that a lot of guys are watching the beginning (waiting for the swimsuits). Ok, Pantene, Geico/Iphone, Avon (don't they compete with Amway), more TLC shows. It is sort of funny how they are advertising Kat von D (the Tattoo artist) on Miss America. I would love to see some girl win Miss America that was covered in tattoos.

T+22:00 And for the next 11:
TN - nothing exciting
CO - ice cream, she and OK will get along great.
CA - take a leap of faith, Indiana Jones said that and speaking of Indiana...
IN - primary job of Miss America is making people feel special
HI - huge smile
LA - she has the cleavage showing
DC - iphone with lots of Apps. With fake caller. Guess she won't get a date after admitting that.
NM - That "it" girl.
VA - have rythmn but not dance? how does that work?
TX - I think Texas probably pays off every pageant becasue she is always in the finals.
NE - Turtleneck @ Miss America? Isn't that like 1930's?

T+29:00 They get to choose. Don't vote for yourself. Apparently the first three were America's choice.

T+30:00 Commercials: More TLC shows (Miss America just isn't drawing a lot). Listerine, Subway (with Michael Phelps - he is in a swimsuit), Pantene (they always have that hair lift and drop in every commercial), AngelSoft toilet paper, Latisse (grow lashes), OK, they are getting into the makeup commercials, all of the guys have left, we'll see how the commercials are after the swimsuit - maybe a Coors commercial?, Maxwell House, SLumberland.

T+33:00 Still have one finalist left to name. This is suppose to be two hours long and it is already 1/4 over. They need to count the results. OK, now to a bunch of people that have something to do with Miss America. Katie Stam reigning Miss America she walks out and the crowd goes wild!! you would think she was throwing out $100 bills.

T+35:00 Wife says it looks like Miss America is wearing an Army dress. Who just got engaged. It is meant to look that way as a tribute to the military. Girls choice:
OR - hands on face crying, hurry and go get dressed in your bathing suit. More crying, hysterics, a line of bikinis, giver her some privacy already. And an inappropriate comment from the host. I'm suppose to be the one who says those.

T+37:00 Health fitness,... no not really, just girls in bikinis. Sorry for any mispellings, I am actually paying attention to the TV now. I never understood the high hills with the swimsuit. My wife likes the butt shots. Remember, all of the girls parading down the runway is for the children. OK, one of the girls shouldn't be in a bikini or at least get one that covers a little more. That has got to be painful to swing your hips that much. It can't be natural. I haven't seen a girl yet that actually looks comfortable walking on stage in a bikini. Of course the 6 inch heels can't help matters. OR made it, she got the change done and on stage in under 5 minutes. Ah, three get eliminated.

T+42:00 Miss America contestant montage (including table dancing) Commercials: Cadillac, so far, the demographic targeted looks like 40-60 year old women.IKEA mattress, Pantene (they must be the top commercial buyer), Glade, more TLC shows, Slumberland, so people who want furniture, high end cars and shampoo watch Miss America. Lets look back for a second. It took 35 minutes to finally find out who the 15 were. They were done with the swimsuit in 5 minutes. I think the times should be switched.

T+46:00 And now they have sarongs on so that you don't focus on their bodies so much. And the ones who advance are:
OK , LA, HI, (don't forget to scoot in and hold hands), NE, VA, NM, CO, DC, TN, (moms and dads go crazy), KY, (lots of thank yous), TX (see I told you its rigged), CA. And we go to Clinton outside the dressing room. With some former Miss America's. What is different from 50 years ago? Swimsuits are a lot smaller. Let's see if anyone trips this year.

T+51:00 I wonder if evening gown will take 5 minutes like swimsuit did. And all the losers get to sit in the background in comfortable clothes. Evening Wear - OK - she stumbled. Here is an idea, don't wear a dress with a train and your chance of slipping will go down! Slips all the way up the leg. Definitely more skin than in recent years. VA- a yellow dress (sunshine yellow), that is odd. She stands out. NM - How are her ears still attached to her head after wearing those all night. CO - prom gowns were homemade, she doesn't say anything about the gown she is wearing. Everyone is all about not having a wardrobe malfunction. Some of these dresses are looking the same, just a different color. KY looks like her top is about to have one of those malfunctions. TX bust has something funky going on, almost like vulcan ears. 5 minutes and evening wear is done.

T+57:00 Someone from the Amazing Race. Miss America donates to Haiti. The losers like yellow. KY and CA are one of the girls best friends? You've no each other for like 1 week!

T+60:00 Commercials: TLC shows, Amelia on DVD, Sonic, frankly besides the beauty products, the commercials are not geared towards women, Pantene (yet again), Allstate, Angel Soft, AT&T,TurboTax, Iowa Skating (no hockey though), ShopNBC.

T+65:00 And time to eliminate another 2:
CA - ballerina in a classical tutu except for the bare midriff. Something from La Coursair. Talent is the last chance you have to show off your body, since you get to pick your own costume. Of course, this is a scholarship program, it isn't about who has the best body (otherwise PR would have won - they robbed her).
VA - singer Listen from Dream Girls As I said earlier, I wish that girls would take a risk and do something out of the ordinary. No more singing, dancing, and instrument playing. Since I don't know this song, I couldn't tell you if it even sounded right.
DC - opera singer Oh mio mio Franc boyardee - o. She has one of those ear mics so that she can use her hands better. She wants to get a motorcycle license. Why not do the globe of death on a motorcycle for your talent or jump through some flaming hoops?
NM - another dress that leaves nothing to the imagination. Somewhere from West Side Story. And why doesn't anyone try to pull off Guns and Roses. My youngest daughter is watching and mimicing the motions of the girls. And clench a fist and pull it into the body. And arc into the air.
LA - Her dress is painted on her. Piano. How about playing backwards ( back to the keyboard). That would show some talent. Or play one hand on one piano and the other on another piano. And a trill to end it!

T+75:00 Commercials: TLC, Cadillac, Listerine (Miss America can't have bad breathe), AT&T, Walmart, Pantene, Proactiv (with Julianne Hough - I know her sister, I'm practically famous), TLC (they have reality TV for chocolate, cake, cooking, and who knows what else). Right about now is when if I drank I would be downing about a half of that bottle of scotch.

T+80:00 NE - who was just on the floor for something. This looks interesting. she has a chair, doing a jazz dance from Legally Blond, except she isn't using the chair (throwing it around, doing flips over it, etc.) so it is just a dance. And the bag turns into a jacket, which didn't make sense.
TN - I will always love you. Classic pageant song. BARF! How about "Back in Black" by AC/DC? The problem with singing a well known song is the judges are comparing you to everyone else who has sung that song, and more than likely a half dozen have sung it better. Dad and mom are proud.
TX (It's totally rigged!) Pucini something something. I actually like opera, just in English. I saw a couple of operas when I lived in New Jersey: Carmen and The Lighthouse. Both were in English. I never have understood going to a performance of something in another language (even if they have subtitles.)
KY Les Miserables On my Own. Let's here something from Big & Rich instead. Or something peppy like "Kansas City" from Oklahoma. If the last girl is a singer, I may have to go out and get that Scotch!
HI Hula dancing - without the coconut top and grass skirt. It just doesn't have the same appeal with a regular dress on. And she needs to get up and start shaking her hips. This may be hula, but it isn't what Hollywood has taught me hula is. I like the grass skirt type better.
So, 1 pianist, 3 dancers, and six singers. They eliminated a couple of dancers. So in the end all twelve did not meet my definition of good talent.

T+90:00 Commercials: TLC, Pantene, Cadillac, StayFree (that is something that Miss America could use - by this time all of the guys are off playing Xbox on the other TV), IKEA beds, Angel Soft, Avon (I am shocked that even though Amway sponsored something with Miss America they don't have a commercial), Maxwell House (my guess is we are not going to see any new commercials), Childrens Miracle Network, more TLC

T+95:00 Gretchen Carlson tells us how to botch the question. These are some of the brightest, most intelligent ... more inappropriate comments aobut sneaking in on the girls dressing. And the envelope of questions. Seven contestants will remain:

CA - Sports Stars get millions, do we have a right to expect them to be positive role model? Fluffy bunnies, stalwart unicorns.
NM - WE live in an age of international, should we learn foreign languages? Welcoming of other languages? Huh.
VA - healthy choices, yet america is fat, what should be done to get back on track? Get the dopes outside, play with sticks (and imaginary guns), get outside and see the world.
HI - are social networks a safe way to engage socially? I think, I think, I think it is all positive!
TN - Criticism is mean, which is better tough love or being gentle? Dude, Simon Cowell does not do tough love, he is just a jerk. Very confusing answer.
LA - US leads in foreign aide, why send money abroad? Close to my heart, she was there helping orphans, and inspired, nothing about whether government should send money, just use Miss America platform so we can all live in happiness and peace. (DC is super tall.)
KY (Texas didn't make it, someplace must be freezing) - Steroids in sports, should athletes be banned from sports for life? shouldn't be banned, but they should set an example (what about after they have their second chance).

T+105:00 - I guess after the Perez Hilton debacle at Miss USA last year, they aren't going to let the judges ask unscripted questions. Too bad, it would have been funny to have Rush ask the exact same question. The 2nd hour has gone much faster than the first.

T+110:00 - Back to Miss America and her incredible reign. Wearing a dress that lets you see ALL the way up her leg. Promoting water bottles? This is what Miss America has been reduced to, promoting water bottles? And Mario gets the envelope for the final results:
4th runner up - KY (too bad, that was one of the peoples choice).
3rd runner up - LA (she has on the same dress as Miss America)
2nd runner up - TN
1st runner up - CA
Winner - VA with humongoginormous earrings. She did have the yellow gown that stood out so I will giver her credit for that.
And she takes her walk (they need to update the song which sounds like it was written in the 50s and still references Atlantic City). Trip, trip, trip... come on, you won, just trip now, show us your human. And all the girls come up to hug her and pretend that they are so happy, (even though we know inside they just want to claw her eyes out).

Well folks that is all, the things that I do so that you don't have to.


  1. If only I could be this honest on the pageant website I 'work' for.

  2. Love the Amway comment!

  3. I thought you'd actually comment on the dancers more (technique, etc) since you've had dance experience. You certainly told my I shouldn't dance when you saw my pageant dance. It'd be nice to know if someone could dance.

  4. Hilarious! Best pageant I've ever seen, or at least read about.