Saturday, March 21, 2009

Recap of the News Headlines

This week has proven very fruitful for news to make fun of.

Obama warns no room for error on Stimulus waste
Two quick points. 1) Wasn't there a lot of waste already built into the stimulus (I guess when our elected officials finally get around to reading it they will know)? 2) This on the heels of "discovering" that certain companies which took government funds paid bonuses.

Obama's gas mileage claim sputters
So, the Model-T gets better gas mileage than the modern SUV. I have no problem if that is true. Maybe we should spend the millions allocated for new cars for the federal government to buy Model-Ts (they are American). What you say, and give up the comfort of CD players, air conditioning, cruise control (heck driving faster than 50 mph), cup holders, all wheel drive, all season radial tires, power windows, power steering, sun roofs (or even roofs), oh yeah, and those pesky emission controls that cause modern cars to pollute 99.99% less than the Model-T. This statement by our President shows that he knows nothing about technology.

AIG sues its owners the Taxpayers for $306 million
So, since we have taken over AIG, they owe us (the government) $165 million from bonuses paid out of our money. Meanwhile, they apparently overpaid us (the government) $306 million in taxes that they would like back. More and more, it looks like we should have let AIG fail back in September and dealt with the pending Apocalypse. It would have been less complicated, and cheaper.

Agenda on track despite massive deficits
Oh good, I was worried that with the price tag going up every day (the CBO estimates $2.3 trillion more in deficits over the next 10 years for a total of $9.3 trillion), that the agenda might be derailed. Just pray we don't hit a speedbump and balloon this thing out of control (or did we do that already).

US, Mexican Security Chiefs to Meet on Gun Trade
Oh goody. Maybe we can start to get some of those great Mexican guns. I am tired of having to send all of our machine guns, hand grenades, and rocket launchers south of the border. Last time I went to my local gun store, the shelves for these items were bare. Even Wal-Mart was sold out of RPGs and I can usually count on them to carry everything, especially the cheap ones made in Cambodia.

Numbers Prove It: Capitalism Cuts Poverty
Stating the obvious is not news. While not everyone may realize this, it doesn't stop it from being a fact. This should read: Capitalism eliminates poverty. Let's just compare a couple of examples: USA and Cuba. USA and Soviet Union. USA and Angola. USA and North Korea. If you think there is poverty in America, you need to get out and see the world. There are people in America who have less than others. There is no poverty. India has poverty. Bangladesh has poverty. Sudan has poverty. North Korea has poverty. Guatemala has poverty. Venzuela has poverty. The USA, Canada, Great Britain, Norway, France, Switzerland, and Japan don't have poverty.

Insecticide may play role in obesity epidemic
I always thought an epidemic was something you didn't have control over. Like Spanish Influenza or the Bubonic Plague. Obesity is a matter of overeating. So, unless there is some food cartel cramming our gullets full of their wares, maybe we need to eat a little less. Not to state the obvious again, but insecticides kill off bugs which allows for a larger harvest, which makes food cheap, therefore we have more money to indulge our appetite.

Healthy Diet, Exercise ward off deep body fat
Please tell me the reporter that wrote this story did not get paid.

Microsoft adds Shortcuts, Security to New Browser
I know this is a novel concept, but Firefox, Opera, and Konquerer have been doing this for years.

Bank CEOs criticize Bonus tax
Oh, the problems with reactive legislation. First we have a banking crisis that the government has to get their hands into to fix. We force everyone to take money (whether they "need" it or not). Then we ram through some legislation which protects said banks bonuses (without reading the legislation of course). Then banks pay the bonuses. We get mad. Pass legislation to tax those bonuses (probably without reading it again). The banking executives (who have already acquired enough wealth to live comfortably for the rest of their lives) decide they have had enough and retire. There is a massive vacuum in the banking leadership. The banking system collapses because now it is really being run by monkeys pecking away at typewriters (they were the only ones who would take the job at the pay the government was offering). Which puts us right back where we started (except a few trillion dollars poorer). Except now when we go to the zoos, there are no monkeys to see. And New Yorks banana imports increased a hundred fold over night. If I can find a commodities dealer that trades banana futures, I might have to take a long position next week. Please Senate, do the right thing and kill this bill.

US Journalists 'Illegally Intruded'
What an outrage, trying to hamper the press. How could anyone in this day and age not realize the importance of journalists. What is that? North Korea. Tin pot dictator (who may have died months ago). Oh, he doesn't even allow food aid to go to his own starving people? Huh, they don't respect the Bill of Rights? Oh, they have never heard of the 1st Amendment? Good thing they don't kill political dissidents as well...

Americans make odd spending choices in tough economic times
Americans make odd spending choices in good economic times. How else do you explain the limited success of the Yugo and the Chia Pet?

Rhode Island Strip Club to host Job Fair
You know the economy has to be bad when strip clubs can't even fill their openings. Oh wait, that would mean that there are jobs that need workers. That can't be, the economy is in the tank. Maybe the key to the economic recovery is to open more strip clubs. Afterall, they do a good job of "spreading the wealth around."

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