Office Supplies and Booby Traps

It seems there has been some pilfering going around the office. It was brought up at our morning meeting s this last week. Why someone needs to "borrow" a stapler from one desk when they can ask their admin assistant to order the Whamodyne 9000 Paper Perforator, I'll never know. Personally, I think the company has an unlimited budget for office supplies. I have never been turned down for a request.

So after this was brought up, I raised a question:

Me: "Since we have this pilfering going on, can we booby trap our cubicles?"

Manager (immediately without thinking): "Everyone else can, but you can't!"

Me: "Why not me?"

Manager: "Because I have seen your teddybear mortar and I have heard your conversations about your hobbies. If I gave you permission I have no doubt that a) you would do it and b) it would be effective."

Logic Fail - As Seen At Work Edition

Normally, I don't blog at work. But, I got in the office today and received the following email:

"This is a real issue across the board. Everyone cannot do everything well. Especially in speciality fields. "You can't count on a dentist for heart surgery" Both are MD's."

Um ... no. A heart surgeon has an MD (Doctor of Medicine). He went to medical school. A dentist has a DDS (Doctor of Dental Surgery) or DMD (Doctor of Dental Medicine). While the DMD may have MD in the acronym, it is not the same thing. A dentist goes to dental school. Dental school and Medical school are not anywhere close to the same thing. An MD that specializes in mouth stuff is called an orthodontist.

So while it would be correct to say that both are doctors, both are not MD's. Of course it would also be correct to say that a college professor and a heart surgeon are doctors.

Cheerleader Outfits

As I sit and watch some college football, I have a question to pose. If your cheerleader outfit consists of a short skirt and a bare midriff, why do you have long sleeves?

Face it, in spite of all the athletic/gymnastic prowess that you profess (and probably do) have, as a cheerleader, you are eye candy. Your purpose at the game is not to rally the fans (the team will do that just fine if they play), your purpose is to serve to take the male mind off of a horrible game that he has probably paid $25-$100 for. Don't believe me, during a well played game that goes down to the wire, try either a) putting on a burqa or b) stripping down to nothing, and no one will notice you.

OK, that is not entirely true, if you chose option (b) then there will be a cadre of fans that will pay attention to you. Having gone to a university that didn't have cheerleaders, I remember when the game was turning into a blowout the conversation would end up being whether the opposing teams' cheerleaders were worth watching. After about 3 touchdowns they always were.

Of course, one thing that has continued to perplex me is why schools with conservative/religious values/reputations (Baylor, BYU, SMU, TCU, etc) even have cheerleaders? I guess the idea that they are athletes somehow convinces some people.

Movie Review: Reign of Fire

The other night, my wife and I had nothing to do at home, so after flipping through the channel guide I asked if she wanted to watch a dumb movie. Sure. Reign of Fire was on. Now, I had never seen the movie before, but I had read about it at Insultingly Stupid Movie Physics.

It definitely lived up to its review. Stupid to the nth power. If I had have seen this movie when it came out, I would never have let my wife talk me into watching any movie with Matthew McConnahay (sic) in it. Having the image of the suave ladies man, just makes it hilarious to see him as a shave headed commando (still talking in the slight Texas drawl).

The whole idea of dragons not being able to see well at dusk and dawn sounded good, until you saw the final battle and saw that the dragon could see rather fine at dusk. And if all of your heavy weaponry didn't work, why would you even assume that a battle axe was going to do anything. (Hint: It doesn't.)

As with most stupid movies, I lost 2 hours of my life to this that will never be recovered.

Teen Mom: "I'm Broke"

I saw this headline at the checkout stand at the grocery store on US Magazine. I have never read US magazine and have no desire to (as well as every other magazine that is on the checkout stand).

Why would a magazine boast such an obvious statement? Teenagers don't happen to have a whole lot of marketable skills - hence, the reason they are paid minimum wage as opposed to $100,000. I am assuming that the girl pictured is probably 15-17. Next, teenage moms, particularly single teenage moms are among the poorest demographic in the country. Turns out the lack of marketable skills combined with the expenses of a newborn end up resulting in poverty.

From reading more on the cover, I figured out that there is a reality show about teenage moms. Guess what, reality tv doesn't pay a whole lot (unless you have previously made a sex tape and are famous for being famous). The whole rise of the reality tv genre was to counter the fact that actor/actress based shows were getting very expensive.

So, if you are a network TV exec (remember the primary goal of for profit companies, even media ones, is to make a profit) and you have the TV show "Friends" which costs at least $6 million per episode with 22 episodes per season. And there are 8 million people that watch "Friends" regularly. That is $132 million each season.

On the other hand, someone pitches you the idea of "Survivor". There will be 16 episodes, and the grand prize will be $1 million dollars. All the contestants will just be ordinary people who want their 15 minutes of fame. Even though you are putting them in an exotic local, and you plan on spending gobs of money on sets and stuff, in the end, the cost per episode is only about $1 million. Total cost $17 million. Oh yeah, and you are going to get 8 million people to watch it. So which do you choose?

I can't imagine that whatever channel has the teenage mom show is paying the teenage moms anything more than $100,000 per season (probably more like $10,000). On it you probably have a bunch of narcissitic teens who are looking for their 15 minutes of fame. More than likely they are as good with money decisions as they are in deciding the best time to start a family.

So "Teen Mom: "I'm Broke"" - NO DUH!!

College Football and the DVR

Last night, I found out why God inspired someone to make the DVR. College Football. I had started recording the Utah/Pitt game while I was out at some other activities. I arrived home and was able to start watching it at 9:45 (at the beginning of the 3rd quarter).

Fast forward was great. Slow motion was great. Skipping all of the commercials and halftime was great. Pausing so I could review the stats was great. In the end, I go through the entire game in about 1-1/2 hours. I was about 5 minutes late at the end to see overtime live, but thats fine.

I think I will have to do more planning so that I only take 1.5 hours per football game this season rather than 4 hours. That should make my wife happy.

Whoever invented the DVR, St. Peter has a free entry pass when you die!

Environmentalism Gone Nuts!

At the office yesterday, we briefly discussed an issue with some equipment. It seems Mother Nature likes to continuously grow slimy lifeforms on said equipment which makes for a slip hazard when people walk on it. Solution: Use a biocide.

But not just any biocide, one that is safe for the environment. I heard this and my jaw dropped open. Herbicides kill plants (herb=plant, cide=to kill), pesticides kill pests (pest=pest, cide=to kill), insecticides kill insects (do I still need to spell it out?), fungicides kill fungi (pretty cool naming convention, huh?). So what do biocides kill?

Bio=life. That's right, biocides kill everything. There is no such thing as an "environmentally safe" biocide. That's why its called a biocide!

I kept my mouth shut. You can't win them all

I Ain't 16 Anymore

Four days in the office, primarily spent sitting at a desk or a conference table, followed by a Friday morning of shooting rifles and shotguns, followed by a Saturday morning of playing softball, all leads to a Sunday of sore muscles and not being able to bend the way you want to.

I don't remember this happening when I was 16.

Guess What: Business Outsmarts the Federal Government, AGAIN!

The new banking law just went into effect, lo and behold, the banks have found a way to recoup the fees that they lost from the law. I've mentioned this before, but this outcome was totally predictable. A "free" people (or group of people in the case of a business entity) whose purpose is to make money (which is the ultimate goal of every business, otherwise they would be a charitable organization) will ALWAYS outwit anything but the most draconian government. Profit trumps regulation every single time. Sure it may take a while, and the business may have to jump through some hoops, but regulation alone cannot deny profit.

Totalitarian governments on the other hand have shown that they can squash profits, of course then you usually end up with one of two scenarios: 1) the people revolt and throw off said tyranny (not necessarily in a violent way, case in point Shanghai and Hong Kong two of the most capitalistic places in the world despite being in communist China) or 2) the country remains as a third world backwater (a la North Korea), which will eventually lead to 1.

Rest In Peace Rosemary

I found out this afternoon that my friend Rosemary passed away this morning after being diagnosed with cancer six months ago. I met her a little more than three years ago. Two years ago I began to help her and her husband rebuild their home which had been flooded. She was involved in her church, in the community, and raised a great family.

Last year, I took her shooting for the first time in her life at the age of 75. She was about 5' 2" and weighed maybe 110 pounds with all of her winter clothes on. While others were starting off with a .22 LR, she picked up the 9mm and asked how to load it. And then continued to shoot it after commenting that "That kicks a little." She continued on and tried out the AK-47, the SKS, the Saiga-12, and the Mosin-Nagant. Her comment at the end, "That was fun, I'd like to do it again."

Unfortunately, we didn't get the chance to go shooting again together. Perhaps John Moses, Jonathan, Samuel, Eliphalet, Oliver, Horace, Daniel, Edmund, Theodor, Sergei, John, Samuel, John, Richard, Nikolay, Sergei, Fedor, Christian, Hiram, Benjamin, Paul, Wilhelm, David or Leon will invite you to go shooting with them.