Monday, April 13, 2009

Movies That Made Me Dumber, Yet I Still Watched Them

We all know there are some movies we shouldn't watch. The ones that suck the braincells right out of our heads. These movies should never have been made in the first place. In fact, these movies are probably the reason why Canada never joined the United States - either that or they just love their toonies. Usually, I find myself watching these movies late at night, when I have been working all day and I can't sleep. Rarely does my wife or another family member watch them with me. They are much more sensible and avoid them at all costs. So here is my list of favorite movies that I should have never watched (OK, none of these movies would make my top ten, and if I can help it I will never watch any of them again).

The Marine - I think John Cena had 4 lines in the entire hour and a half. There was absolutely nothing plausible that happened in this movie, other than a marine having a great looking wife. After about 10 minutes, I could easily predict that the next scene would show a) something blowing up, b) Johnboy beating the snot out of someone (after getting ceremoniously whacked in the head), or c) John's wife making another lame attempt at escaping.

Any of the Bring It On movies - I can't count how many there were. But it seemed like for three months a couple of cable stations were playing these non-stop. OK, the first was stupid, then they insulted our intelligence by making another, then there was the third that had some "underground" cheerleading competition, and then yet another that was a West Side Story knockoff. I'll admit, in high school I watched the cheerleaders. I wanted to go on a date with one, but I was never in that crowd. One thing I did know is that female cheerleaders didn't date male cheerleaders.

The Scorpion King - I never did figure out the plot of this movie. I thought the point was to show Kelly Hu in as little clothing as possible and still not have an R rating. Of course the Rock was in it, so you know it had quality acting.

Any Jim Carey movie - OK, he may be funny sometimes, but only if you are in a juvenile, arm farting, putting crackers in your brother's bed type of mood. Plus it seems that most of his roles are all the same.

Any Adam Sandler movie - Adam Sandler plays a good dope. He plays them so much I am beginning to think that he is a dope in real life.

The Star Trek movie where they met God - This one was so bad, it is not even worth looking up what it was called. They should have stopped after 4, saving the whales was cool (see I can be into saving the environment too sometimes).

Employee of the Month - I just watched this last night with my wife. Who ever thought that Costco would ever be the stage for a movie. Jessica Simpson with big ears? Get real, the directors just wanted to show her cleavage. That and a Cashier's Lounge was so hilarious that no one could take this movie seriously.

The Cutting Edge 2 and 3 - I liked the first one, but when you have to readjust the timeline to make the second one, and that one has the exact same storyline (just a inline skater as opposed to a hockey player), and then we make a third that is exactly like the first just the male and female roles are switched. So much the same, you know they are going to fall in love, then break up the night before the chamipionship, then get back together and win the whole shebang. When I was a kid, trilogies (like Star Wars and Indiana Jones) didn't have the exact same freaking plot.

Doom - Another Rock movie. I was addicted to this game during my freshman year in college. I firmly believe movies should not be made based on videogames (Tombraider's only redeeming quality is Angelina Jolie in form hugging leather/spandex). Doom the movie was just predictable. And since it was suppose to be "scary," being predictable sucks.

The Princess and the Marine - A great modern day love story (based on actual events). And it ends with the disclaimer that the fairy tale couple got a divorce after 4 years. Gosh, if I had to sneak my wife out of her country, face a court martial, and have little in common with her other than "we love each other," I would never think that divorce is in our future. If you are in this situation, hire a good attorney.

Any 1800's movie on the prairie where the heroine doesn't have a rifle as a constant companion - My wife likes these movies, and they usually come on the Hallmark channel. And they are usually totally bogus. The most recent are the "Love Finds a Way Home" or some schlock like that. 10,000 years from now, when archealogists dig up our civilization if they find some working dvd player and these movies, they will hypothesize that in the 1800s, 90% of doctors were women that regularly had baths or showers. Either that or there was not dirt flying around. Not only that, all of the great inventions and discoveries were made in the wild west by these women doctors. Think of these as the movie versions of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Women (without the british accent). I can say that I am cheating when I put these on the list, since I didn't watch more than 15 minutes of it.

That's a good list to start. I may have to make another after six months. By then I will have had more time to watch dumb movies that are on at 2am.

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